Interpersonal Relationships Love & Intimacy

Vulnerability, Lowering Your Wall, and Self-Respect: Attracting the Right People Through Boldness

Look, I understand that you're afraid of getting your heart torn out and spat on when meeting someone new. I understand that 'putting up your wall' will help you not get hurt. The reality though, is that in order to have truly successful interactions and conversation there is no way around fully embracing your vulnerability and putting your nuts on the chop block. Might sound strange at first, but here is why...

Vulnerability is often associated with weakness and being the person who sits in the corner and begs others to accept or not hurt him/her. Before we get into it, let me clarify that this is NOT vulnerability. This is surrender.

Vulnerability is about openly sharing your thoughts, feelings and opinions with the world, and more importantly, it is about putting yourself in a position where you might get rejected. 

For example, telling a woman or man that you like them, sharing an opinion people may not agree with, or making a joke that may not be funny. Simply said, vulnerability is anything that requires you to stick your neck out the window or put your nuts on the chop block.

Someone who is vulnerable has the courage to say ‘screw all the repurcussions! This is who I am!’

You see, expressing our true intentions and feelings to the world is how we attract the right people into our lives. In fact, you and I both know that connecting with people through this way will result in some of the best conversation and interactions we have in our life. These are the moments where we say we ‘click’ with another person. Whether that is just a simple friend or someone we feel sexually attracted to.

People who embrace vulnerability are okay with the idea of getting rejected. Someone who is vulnerable will throw their entire heart into getting to know someone. They are not afraid of falling in love and always allow their own emotions to flourish and not be held back by some protection mechanism.

A short while ago, I had a beautiful woman talk to me about protecting herself from allowing her emotions to get control over her. She literally told me how she would hold back her own feelings from a man as she knew she had no guarantee that he would love her back the same way she would love him.

For a moment, I was speechless. I didn’t have an answer to her problem. Which is why I’m writing this article and truly hope she’ll read it.

When someone rejects you, even after you’ve fully thrown your heart into getting to know them, then this tells you exactly two things;

  1. They rejected you, because they weren’t okay or didn’t like whom you are.
  2. Because of this, this is an indicator that a relationship wouldn’t have worked out in the first place.

So why be sad? Where is your self-respect?

Being rejected or not accepted by someone is totally fine! At the end of the day, it’s a test of your self-worthiness and wholeheartedness. It is a test of your ability to respect yourself and be confident in who you are.

Remember, confidence is about being okay, with being imperfect.

‘Our capacity for wholeheartedness can never be greater than our willingness to be broken-hearted’ – Brené Brown

The problem is, is that many of us are raised and taught not to express our emotions freely. The inability to express your emotions freely and not be afraid to share what you believe and lean into radical honesty, is nothing more, than a deep-seated root problem.

Here are some symptoms of having a root problem;

  • You consider yourself to carry around a lot of emotional baggage.
  • Sometimes you start to have irrational or strange beliefs about people, especially about people whom you like or feel attracted to.
  • Smiling at strangers makes you feel creepy.
  • You are obsessed with being a perfectionist in everything you do. Hence vulnerability is a sign of weakness to you.
  • At the core of your heart, you are needy. Even if you don’t want to admit it, you are.
  • When you meet someone new you fall into boring conversation topics because they are safe or shallow.
  • You’re stuck in a job or university course that you don’t truly enjoy, because people always told you that it was a good idea and you didn’t want to upset those people around you. Especially your mom.

These are all symptoms of an inability to be vulnerable. There may be many reasons for this. Maybe it was trauma in your childhood. Maybe your girl- or boyfriend betrayed you and left you heartbroken. Maybe your dad is an asshole and never cared about your family. Maybe your parents never really expressed their emotions. I have no clue.

How to start embracing vulnerability and attract what you want!

When undertaking a major shift in behavior, there is always going to be a pain period. This the awkward and difficult period where you’re going to struggle and go through major discomfort. It’s the period where you’re going to feel vulnerable.

Being vulnerable hurts! People who say this are the ones who never actually experience new things and never truly find what they want in life, because they value what others think about them more, then their own opinion about themselves.

As vulnerability researcher Brené Brown says;

‘The less you talk about your shame, the more of it you have’

You see, we as humans are attracted to each others rough edges. If we start to expose ourselves without any inhibition, then we will attract people that live by the same values and standards as we do. This is the reason why your best friend is your best friend or why our partner is your partner. (hopefully)

If we’re honest, all we really want, is a strong, independent, non-needy partner who fulfills us. Someone who we can share ourselves with. Open up to and talk to about our desires, dreams, anxieties, and fears. We want someone who we can live together with on the same emotional plane.

But this takes courage. It takes the courage to tell the story of who we are with our whole heart. It takes the courage of stop believing who we should be. It takes the courage to not be afraid to do something where there are no guarantees.

Yes, getting in touch with your vulnerable side sounds like a street-fight. It’s painful and not glamorous.

The ability to have the courage to be vulnerable and expose our true colors to the world, is a reflection of how good we know ourselves.

And how good we know ourselves, is result of how honest we are with ourselves.

Thanks for reading 🙂

8 comments

  1. Max. Thank you for sharing this. This is a very very important message and I believe you have articulated it thoughtfully and we’ll. I wo u ld like to share this on my blog but it’ll be in a couple of days (sorting through a bunch of my own crap lol)

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Great read!

    I definitely relate to this. The latest science is confirming the absolute necessity of feeling accepted, and this causes a to hide ourselves. But, as you say, this itself causes so many problems for us at a systemic level.

    Thanks for sharing!

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s