Interpersonal Relationships Love & Intimacy

The Importance of Chemistry and Compatibility in Relationships

Chemistry and compatibility are two terms often used interchangeably. We assume they mean somewhat the same thing, when in reality they are two completley different concepts that have become incredibly important to understand.

Compatibility is what gives your relationship a solid foundation. Your compatibility with someone is dependent on the extent, to which you have similar interests, share similar values and worldviews, and lead closely relatable lifestyles. A priest and a stripper for example, are unlikely to be compatible and I doubt they ever end up dating each other. A high-school dropout and a career-aspiring woman are also unlikely to be compatible.

You get the point.

Consider the following symptoms of HIGH compatibility;

  • Big decisions are be made easy, because you and your partner are simply ‘on the same page’ or ‘click’ with each other.
  • You consider your partner to be a direct copy of your best friend.
  • Problems or conflicts are kept to a minimum, because you both naturally agree on each others viewpoints and life-choices.

Compatibility is a rational and logical process. It is just like a key fitting the lock. You’re either compatible or not.

Chemistry on the other hand, is the emotional side of the relationship. A relationship with high chemistry is reflected by intense emotional feelings and feeling a strong emotional bond. Hourly long facetime sessions and phone calls without feeling an hour went by happen regularly and every text received, you secretly hope is from him/her. You also constantly think what you can do or plan that he/she will like.

HIGH chemistry symptoms;

  • When you see them, your heart starts beating faster.
  • Cuddles are intense and would probably appeal disgusting to anyone who would see you both.
  • It feels like a sickness. You are just SO attracted to the other person.

A high degree of chemistry is also noticeable in the bedroom. Low chemistry sex is emotionless and boring. High chemistry sex on the other hand, gives us heart-pounding, life-altering sex, that sounds like someone running down the staircase wearing flip-flops.

In contrast to compatibility, chemistry is an irrational and emotional process.

Now this all sounds nice and good. Yet the big question still remains what happens when you get different combinations…

Combinations of chemistry and compatiblity

As you probably know, compatibility and chemistry don’t always occur together.  Compatibility without chemistry is a, more or less, boring and asexual relationship that is mostly comprised of hourly long discussions, netflix and chill nights, and promising each other that you will both marry in ten years time when neither of you have succeeded in finding a partner. These are usually the people of the opposite gender you consider your best friend.

High chemistry with low compatibility is a problem and most of the time, if not always, ends in disaster. High chemistry and low compatibility relationships are those where it feels so damn good, but your head knows, its so damn wrong. These relationships usually begin very quickly and end just as fast as they began. With time, they don’t only make you realize how fucking offensive they are to you, but also that getting away from that psycho, is easier said than done.

Quite frankly, because they will always be in your head and you start to miss them once you try to distance yourself from them.

High chemistry, low compatibility relationships are also guided by constant cycles of love-hate feelings, comprised of passionate, intense sex, but soon after of thrown iPhones, plates, unanswered calls, late whatsapp replies, and teared-up voicenotes.

Indeed, it is vicious and yet thrilling experience.

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In order to have a truly successful, long-lasting, and passionate relationship that fulfills us (which is all we want, really), I believe requires us to understand these concepts. They help us become more self-aware of our own values and standard we wish to live by and also what we want in a partner.

Perhaps you should start asking yourself this question; What do I want from my partner? What is it, I wish to see in a partner I want to fall in love with? Knowing the answers to these questions is merely the most important thing of all.

I’ll give you an example. I’m someone who can’t date a woman that isn’t incredibly smart. For me, the right woman has to be able to talk and have a constructive debate with me about things like politics, philosophy, global problems, and most importantly inspire me to be a greater version of myself. She has to take full accountability for her actions, take responsiblity for her emotions, and have a positive and growth-orientated mindset.

Sure, I can go on a date with woman that may not fit my description, but after 2-3 dates, listening to them becomes a major challenge and I get thrown off pretty quickly. I start to find them boring, and for the most part, stop texting them as soon as we go home.

These are the woman who work for me.

Who works for you?

Thanks for reading! 🙂

9 comments

  1. i liked it and it rings true. unfortunately, i tend to avoid chemistry-laden relationships out of fear (history, loss of control, blah blah blah) which means that, as in your example, the relationships don’t last. i guess i’ll add that to my list of things to work on.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. After years of stumbling through the chemistry/compatibility relationship maze, I’ve successfully realized that I’m more suited to maintaining a strong, emotional bond, without the sexually romantic entanglements. I have two dearly loved relationship partners who rock my world. Most of the time, we each do our own things, love the freedom this affords us, but would have difficulty ever saying goodbye in the flesh.

    One I share a house with, the other only visits. One is amenable to outings and such, the other not so much. They both add flavor to our triad, which keeps it fresh. Decades have passed, and it still works, where sleeping in a King-size bed, mending and re-mending heated arguments and other disgruntlements didn’t. Only hugs and kisses are ever passed. Still, the heart beats fonder. It’s different & it’s good!

    Liked by 1 person

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